Manipulative, strategic, scheming, psychotic… just some words that I associate with myself for how I plan ahead.
It’s basically chess?
I was having coffee with Mom today and we were talking about something. I think it was Sam applying to internships and how we could contact one of them since Mom donates…
Oh wait, maybe it was with Uncle B and the fact that I told Mom she needed to leverage her relationship with him more and talk to him on a weekly or bi-weekly basis because her skills of providing advice and nurturing comments really help shape the future of the business in really subtle ways.
Yeah, it was that.
Since John is gone, she is being shoved out not considered and she commented that B had called her on his way home from the track and they spent 40m talking on the phone and he had said, “This was really nice, we need to do this more often.” And I was being very strategic about giving advice. Saying when to call, then how it could possibly affect things down the line.
But Mom said, “Where did you learn that? I never do that?” And I said, what! That’s crazy, I thought you do that too but then I said, maybe I got it from Dad. I used to sit with Dad and everything was a chess game, or strategic move. One of the easiest ones was listening to KNX 1070 news radio on the way home and deciding which freeway would be faster to take home when he was picking me up on Fridays. Or just the easier lanes to pick. We stay in the 2nd to the fast lane because it doesn’t cut off to the 710 and leads us right through the 5 interchange over to Glendale. He would always explain it out loud to me.
Strategy.
But I do that in every single facet of my life. Everything. It’s all a strategic move for me.
When I was fuming mad that I was getting a grumpy, bad energy husband to go pick up G, I started emphasizing how long the drive would take, what errands I needed to do before I actually left, and the stops I was going to make… and shocker, he changed his mind about going in the car. And then I got a peaceful car ride to myself.
Or when I was in high school, knowing my crush was watching me from on the hill and I started performing with friends, big laughing, and gesturing, and hugging people. He came up to me later and commented that it looked like I was having a good time.
I’m constantly doing it at work. What do I have to do to get noticed. What action do I have to take to make sure it works down the line.
Manipulative. Is it though? Doesn’t everyone do that?
I guess not. And I know realistically that this is not manipulation. This is being intentionally strategic.
Upstream Positioning! Behavioral Friction Management! Social Signaling!
Thanks my robot friend.
I grew up doing this with traffic, that’s Smart Driving. I like to see patterns and flows and then figure out where the leverage points are.
Where I wanted to do more work on was that it can feel insincere sometimes. If I am orchestrating it, was it genuine?
Guilt, guilt, guilt – I should be catholic.
I did have this conversation after the grumpy husband scenario. I was SO HOT and bothered by it and then when I got what I wanted, it was angry I had to go through all the angst to get to that point.
For my Mom and Uncle, I’m orchestrating the moment. The moment is 100% genuine. I may have steered it in a certain way. I did the same thing with G on the car ride home. I commented that his Nana would love to see him for breakfast but I wasn’t sure if he would want to sleep in the next day. The next day, he was out the door as she came over to pick him up. And when I asked him later if she had texted him or if he reached out, he said he did. I lightly set it up and talked it through and then he took it on himself to make it happen. Would he have done the same himself? No. I know this because he didn’t do it two weeks ago, lol. But I set it up and made it happen.
I influenced it.
And that was for good. It’s just for other moments, it feels a little more dark.
I’m empathetic. I always forget how much. But it’s high and I recognize my power. I probably over-value it at times.
And I’m monitoring the structure of everything and that does make things feel clinical. While my robot is suggesting that the boundary line is only if I’m stripping someone of their agency or profiting off of them, I’m not sure if that’s correct.
Aren’t I sometimes profiting off their loss. With time, connection, or other things. At work, taking the promotion. I mean, I fought for it. Or the better line at the store.
So silly but I’m going to keep obsessing over it.
Opportunity is favoring the observer. I’m the observer.
I have to continue to appreciate that I’m observing and taking advantage. I’m not slashing sometimes tires, or smashing their cart into the aisle.
Even if it might feel like that sometimes? Ha.
Time… connection.. space…. energy.
I’m not forcing G to call his Nana for breakfast. I’m being the executive functioner for him because he had no possibility of even thinking about it. I set it up and he took it from there. He’s living in the present and I’m 3 steps ahead.
But it’s such an angst “tax”. It’s exhausting to consider all of those things, and continue to live in my head about it. And when I have to deploy all this strategy to just get some peace, it feels like labor and frustrating why I had to do all the math and figuring out in the first place.
It’s clinical because it IS structural and I can’t unsee the patterns and everything else.
But I’m going to continue being smart and noticing it. That’s just who I am. But the work to stay present will continue because can I find the joy while deploying Strategic Intentionality? That is the goal!
And I really love joy.
“Tactics is knowing what to do when there is something to do; strategy is knowing what to do when there is nothing to do.” — Savielly Tartakower (Grandmaster)
Halloween cappuccinos with my Mama for Featured! I had the pumpkin.
