Were you bullied by other kids when you were young? Or were you the bullier?
I feel so sad and affected by the stories we have heard about of these suicides in the last few weeks. I was lucky in a few ways that I was firmly in the middle of social chain growing up. I was a complete dork and made fun of for playing barbies in 7th and 8th grade. There were also a few other things that I was bullied about but I was lucky. I had very close best friends and a wider circle of friends where I felt semi-protected and safe. I was also lucky to have a super popular older sister whom all the ‘popular’ kids were afraid of, seeing as she was a big old senior in high school when we were freshman. She knew several people who had siblings the same age as me too, and I know she warned them not to make fun of me. (How sad, haha – but I know she did!) They may not have liked me very well but they left me alone. I was nobody to them. Luckily.
I do remember the kids that were bullied from elementary school. Two kids in particular that come to mind. I probably joined the ‘crowd’ and made fun of them by talking about them, or at the very least standing around while it was being done. Does that make me a bullier? I think it does. I think all kids have a hand in slight bullying at one time or another. It makes me feel a little sick that I could stand around and listen to that type of thing and even join it because that made me a follower. And I think I was a follower to some extent.
I just read Are Kindergarten Bullies Anything New from BabyCenter and I totally forgot about the fact that when I was in 1st or 2nd grade I TOTALLY got in trouble with a friend of mine for bullying a girl in our class. We were in the bathroom and… well, peeking at her over the stalls and she was yelling at us and we got in trouble. I just remembered that. I’m so glad we did get in trouble? Maybe it saved me from being a bigger bully! Ahh! I think my Mom would remember that episode better than I would though, she has reminded me of it a few times over the years.
I also remember two specific girls who I felt were the ‘nicest girls’ in the class. They were able to float from group to group and always had friends, and in my mind were never bullied around OR did any bullying themselves.
The thing that is standing out in my mind right now is how do I teach my child to do that? I know the bottom line is having a happy, healthy child who feels secure at home and can manage their emotions. I feel like we are doing all the right things in raising her (I’m not worried about GG yet!) but listening to her come home from school now and talk about all her friends is starting to freak me out. She played with friend A today because friend B today said they were not friends on this particular day. Friend C comes and pulls her friends hair, pushes her toys, and doesn’t listen. Is that a bully? Well, maybe a small one and I am coaching her to tell Friend C to “please stop” and tell them directly, or ask the teacher. I’m not worried about it now but the future continues to scare me.
I know all of this is normal and while I know in my heart she is going to be fine, I just worry about what is going to happen in the future. What is the best way to raise her so that she is able to navigate those scary teen years. I know we are doing everything right but the fact is, children are so upset and freaked out by their current lives that they are ending them. Successful and beautiful children, not unlike any of ours here at home.
Make sure your child has a good support system. I know my children do right now and they are sooo lucky because of all the wonderful family around us. Plus, the fact that my daughter has so many friends right now makes me hopeful for a good support system at her school as she grows up.
If you have an older child and they tell you they are being bullied, please take them seriously. It probably won’t go away and if they have gotten to the point where they are asking for help, don’t ignore them. Life is hard and super scary to our youth and we need to support them and do what we can to help them out. Especially with the age of the Internet, CyberBullying is huge right now and so easy to do from the safety of their own computer. We see it now in adults and I’m sure it’s worse for kids.
October is National Bullying Prevention Month. I know most of you have young children just as I do but keep it in mind for the future, especially with these scary warnings going on.
Do you have any helpful tips for children who are being bullied?
{ 5 comments }
Glad you brought this up, we were just talking about it. I’ve already seen Jack act on both ends (bully and the one being bullied), I take parenting in both of those situations very seriously, but I haven’t found an easy answer. This is an interesting article http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/01/tools-against-homophobic-bullying/ , the links were great too. Let me know what you figure out. 🙂
oh girl! We think about this all the time! I use every single chance I get to educate about this subject! Whenever Aiden gets bullied, I ask him how he felt, and then remind him how important it is to be nice to everyone. Whenever I see him being the bully, I ask him how he thinks that it made that kid feel, and how he would feel if someone did that to him! AND… whenever we see a situation (even when it’s a child misbehaving and he has a need to stare… which is already embarrassing), I ask him what he thinks was wrong there. And with girls, oh man! I think that that would be even tougher.
I wonder about the homes of some of the ‘bullies’ we saw as we grew up. 🙂 I agree with you, it all starts at home.
This is such a tough subject! Good post!
A friend of mine posted this on my FB wall. The Gracie martial arts program has a Bullying program where they teach about confidence and defensive maneuvers. Sounds pretty cool! We are going to be enrolling Sam in Karate soon, we will have to check out Gracie:
http://www.gracieacademy.com/bully_proof.asp
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Yes, these stories in the news are so sad! But I think all of you here are doing the exact-right things. As a mom of teens, I see this taken to its extreme later on, and my daughter was friends with a girl who she later determined was a “mean girl” and stopped hanging around with her, thankfully. (!)
I think what you’re doing is so important — just KEEP TALKING to them, asking them questions like Jamie said — you know, in that nonchalant way, at dinner or in the car. Reserve judgment, though, or they’ll stop talking, but you can ask many questions and just listen to their answers. If they know you’re not going to judge or lecture, they’ll keep talking, even when they’re teens. Just ask their opinions. If you want to give advice, ask first: “Would you like my advice, or have you figured this out yourself?” If they want your advice, they’ll ask. But they feel you respect their decisions this way and will keep talking to you.
Also, children tend to mimic what they see, so parents need to make sure they’re not saying critical things of others — that means others on TV, others in the PTA, others walking down the street, others driving by, etc. Children start to mimic that judgment and criticism, which eventually can lead to bullying those who don’t fit in with their “standards.”
Oh, and I meant to say — I totally agree with you, Kristi, on the support system! Having loving family around is everything. Your kids will feel confident — and always loved at home — and won’t feel as affected by other bullies, because they know so many other people respect and adore them.
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