The bright lights of Vegas were showing off during my bestie weekend.
It contrasted with the quiet hotel room after midnight.
The gentle snores of my friends.
I’ve been using AI heavily lately. As a brainstorm, for work, synthesizing (so fancy), as a therapist, as a medical device. I asked it to make me a prompt from the last few days so I could sit here on a quiet Tuesday evening and write for 15 minutes.
It didn’t give me what I wanted but it gave me enough: Explore the physical sensation of stepping out of my comfort zone and speaking up in a high-stakes moment.
I feel like I’m dodging so many things and also laughing.
I did say to Nicole the other day: “I’m laughing because I want to cry.”
But I’m also appreciating. Appreciating hardcore.
Came home frustrated but spoke up. Felt good about it. But the next day it led to feedback from the other side and I felt rage. Raggeeeeee.
Deep breath. Pulled it back. Went running. Vented… in several ways. To AI, to Ang – even though she was with her baby so I couldn’t really talk – vented in my head.
I ended the night better. I tried.
But still ragey. Or contempty? Frustratedly…
I’m trying. Not super hard but I am trying. More than I tried before. I want credit but then again, they want credit for other things. I did ask “What credit do you want?” haha.
Sigh.
Damn it.
I was able to come home after thinking about it 24 hours and having the time to try and understand more why I was upset. I was upset because I had a little hope. I was still guarding myself but I was sort of floating in another direction and it took less than 24 hours for that to pop. It felt like what I thought would happen, did happen. So that was frustrating. That was laughable.
But the physical sensation is weird. It feels so woo-woo to dive into it but it really tells me so much. I felt it in my stomach. A small little pit. That pit sort of mimicked itself in my throat. Or maybe it moved to my throat. But the dull stomach feeling was highest. Once I spoke up, I had that nervousness. My heart was pounding. I felt jittery. I was vibrating. Anxiety in my stomach.
But I did it and I said it, and I was calm.
I was proud of myself. I felt good after. Like, this is not that hard? I feel better after I do it. Good job, me.
And then…
And then, my day was actually so lovely.
My Aunt T asked me for stock advice. We went back and forth a bit on this windfall she received and what she should do with it and her exact words back were, “You are super helpful! And I think we’re just going to do what you say! JJ always says how amazing you are with her money. We are so lucky. We have smart daughters!”
And isn’t that just exactly my jam? I freaking love giving advice and having people take it and sincerely appreciate it. I love that so much. It’s my favorite thing. It’s also what I was saying NEVER happens in my talk the night before.
And then my boss came and got me and asked for my opinion on slides he was making. I totally hated the one that was his but once I figured it out – ha – I gave suggestions to fix it. He took them. He seemed to appreciate it.
It was so lovely.
And then later, we are on that first walk with the new dogs and what happens… speaking up from the conversation the night before. They were more prepared. They had complaints. It was saying what I did wrong, accusing me of speaking up wrong… Gah.
How physically was that different? My heart was beating faster, I was breathing faster. The blood in my veins felt hot. Is that even a thing? I gritted my teeth. Very tense.
My body is giving me a masterclass in why hard talks are so exhausting.
Luckily we were interrupted. Luckily I went on a run alone to do a few more streets.
Run it out.
I thought about it and gave some words that I felt were needed. Other words were said.
But having those who know me best support me. Specifically one of my besties, has such a level head and calms me. I feel stronger because of her and am thankful that I have her to lean on. Knowing I have support helps me speak up because I see her doing it in her life and I want to find another, better, way.
I’m grateful for those bright lights. For the shine we saw. For the quiet in meditation together. For the walk down the quiet hotel hallway.
