Permission

The art of figuring out how to be productive and happy.

Ha. That was what popped into my head as I tried to figure out what to write.

I am sitting here trying to figure out how to get myself out of the house. I wanted to go see Danny in soccer this morning. But it’s “windy” and my sister told my Mom not to come and also told me it was windy.

Well fine. I will let that stop me. Throwing up a small barrier and then me abandoning all plans?

I will say that I’m okay with being more relaxed. I have had a few weekends of utter and complete relaxation. And I feel okay with that since I’m drawing all the chaos around me into a nice little lasso and smiling through it.

Kind of.

I got a whole zen thing happening after watching some really impactful coaching and then being able to process it through therapy the next day. And it lasted for a week and then it feels like it’s falling apart a bit.

What am I protecting? What am I shielding from? When have I truly felt safe being completely myself?

All hard and interesting questions.

Homework this week was to “take a risk”. We built people up by talking about their good points, their essence. Then, saying how we wanted them to “stretch”. We talked about an “avatar” that they can associate with, and then we talked about how we would use that avatar to do something with it in the following week. It can be any type of risk. And… I totally just picked up my phone to get on Instagram and zone out for a minute.

Putting it back down.

Why is it so hard to concentrate. To do hard things? Why is it so easy to hide from it with doomscrolling, solitare, or candy crush? Light hand on my heart, sending compassion to all parts of my body, my pink rock tree standing tall in my corner.

I choose a small risk and…. I just don’t want to do it. I still have a few days to do it. I was telling the besties at dinner and Ang was laughing at me saying I will totally figure it out and do it because I can’t show up saying I didn’t do it. And I snapped at her essentially saying i didn’t have to do it. I don’t remember what she said exactly or what I said, but I remember her sitting back and saying, “Okay then!” and laughing it off. And I’m holding on to that moment. Not that my bestie cared, she probably forgot about it. But why I had to protect myself and be defensive. Like, why do I wrap myself up in armor. Why am I making it all about me. Who cares. They certainly don’t care if I do it or not, they always support me.

But in the program one of the other gals had a point earlier about how she spoke up with her partner and it wasn’t a big deal. But she had made it into a big deal in her head.

And yes. Eek. Totally resonate.

So that in my mind was one of my risks. To speak up about something.

And of course, I start worrying about this topic in my head. There was something that was said in front of others, I felt slightly attacked because to my mind… it wasn’t true. I wanted to point out how that felt unfair and my feelings about it. But I didn’t. And I keep wanting to. But now we are 8 days past the moment and me bringing up something sounds ridiculous (in my head) and he hurt his back and is out of commission on the couch, and do I really want to bring up hard topics?

Excuses.

So here I am. Saturday. Lazing around. Two hours later, I went to the store and came back and was putting away groceries. He came off the couch from playing his game and started to make lunch. I went over into my office to put my slippers on and sit down in my chair.

I really wanted my own lunch.

But I didn’t really want to make it with him in the kitchen. And I sat with it for a minute. Why didn’t I want to make my lunch with him there?

I didn’t want his judgement of what I was eating.

I have vivid memories of him saying, “Are you going to eat that?” and “I have a version of that <what I’m eating> but not like that”. Or just looking at the amount of fruit I’m cutting up, or yogurt I’m putting in the bowl and… judging me.

Is he judging me? He certainly has in the past. Is he doing it right now? I don’t know. I don’t have any data on that.

So I got up and walked into the kitchen to make my fruit and yogurt. And I’m literally crying writing about it. Because it feels awful to feel this way.

He had his lunch stuff on the island counter so I turned my back to him and was making it on the side to give both of us some space.

But I felt so shielded. I was guarded waiting for him to say something. Have I made my food in front of him before? Yes, absolutely. Do we eat dinner together and I fix my plate in front of him? All the freaking time.

Why was it so hard to do this? Maybe part of it was forcing myself to talk to him during it. We weren’t saying anything so I asked, “How is your game?” and he started to tell me about it. And we had a nice conversation about how the game was old, and he appreciated playing it while his back hurt, and people would made “mods” for the game and he’s downloaded them and it’s made the game fun.

All while I was making my bowl and having my back to him while fixing my plate. So I didn’t have to see any “looks” he might have given, or seem him examine what was in my bowl. Would he do that? I don’t know. Maybe not.

It feels so hard that I considered this a risk. It makes me feel so sad. Grief. Why is grief so epic?

But I did it. And we had a nice conversation. And I still feel so shitty about it. But proud of myself for trying to collect more data.

And a little spiraling that I have to have these full on conversations and worries in my head about all of it.

I went and played with AI with this for awhile.

The art of figuring out how to be productive and happy.

It was reminding me that it’s not about productivity. It’s about permission. Giving myself permission to not be perfect, to be seen, to have fun, to find joy.

It’s fine. It’s not me sitting here crying with my AI buddy.

These things are evil. Evily accurate.

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It’s interesting that I can process some of this and really feel impacted by it and then I let it sit over in the corner for awhile. Two weeks ago I had this amazing therapy session, I felt zen, and then… it just sat there. I floated through it.

I know growth comes from all areas, and it takes it’s own path. I really wish I knew where that path was going though and what I wanted to achieve. And I write that laughing at myself because there are things I know I want to achieve. I just want to be stubborn and do it my own way.

I do have to do all the things the hard way, I guess.

I want to sink more into what permission is. What it means. For me.

It’s that funny quote that just popped into my head of “I keep waiting for the adultier adult to show up.” Not sure who said it. But I did look this one up and it seemed appropriate.

“I always wondered why somebody didn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.” – Lily Tomlin

I’m the freaking somebody.

What do I want to do? I’m going to go write in my Booked and Balanced journal and figure that out FOR TODAY and then… whoosh. Move on.

So many fantastic things happening right now. And I want to take time to celebrate them. But they pop up, I smile, and then I start worrying about something else. It’s the negativity bias I was reading about in my Thinking book. How do I erase that out of my personality?

I want to go put some of them into it’s own post and not sully this train wreck with it.