The art of figuring out how to be productive and happy.
Ha.
I am sitting here trying to figure out how to get myself out of the house. I wanted to go see Danny in soccer this morning. But it’s “windy” and my sister told my Mom not to come and also told me it was windy.
Well fine. I will let that stop me. Throwing up a small barrier and then me abandoning all plans?
I will say that I’m okay with being more relaxed. I have had a few weekends of utter and complete relaxation. And I feel okay with that since I’m drawing all the chaos around me into a nice little lasso and smiling through it.
Kind of.
I got a whole zen thing happening after watching some really impactful coaching and then being able to process it through therapy the next day. And it lasted for a week and then it feels like it’s falling apart a bit.
What am I protecting? What am I shielding from? When have I truly felt safe being completely myself?
All hard and interesting questions.
I have homework this week to take a risk. It can be any type of risk. And… I totally just picked up my phone to get on Instagram and zone out for a minute.
Putting it back down.
Why is it so hard to concentrate. To do hard things? Why is it so easy to hide from it with doomscrolling, solitare, or candy crush? Light hand on my heart, sending compassion to all parts of my body, my pink rock tree standing tall in my corner.
I choose a small risk and…. I just don’t want to do it. I still have a few days to do it. I was telling the besties at dinner and Ang was laughing at me saying I will totally figure it out and do it because I can’t show up saying I didn’t do it. And I snapped at her essentially saying i didn’t have to do it. I don’t remember what she said exactly or what I said, but I remember her sitting back and saying, “Okay then!” and laughing it off. And I’m holding on to that moment. Not that my bestie cared, she probably forgot about it. But why I had to protect myself and be defensive. Like, why do I wrap myself up in armor. Why am I making it all about me. Who cares. They certainly don’t care if I do it or not, they always support me.
I went and played with AI with this for awhile.
The art of figuring out how to be productive and happy.
It was reminding me that it’s not about productivity. It’s about permission. Giving myself permission to not be perfect, to be seen, to have fun, to find joy.
It’s fine. It’s not me sitting here crying with my AI buddy.
These things are evil. Evily accurate.
It’s interesting that I can process some of this and really feel impacted by it and then I let it sit over in the corner for awhile. Two weeks ago I had this amazing session, I felt zen, and then… it just sat there. I floated through it.
I know growth comes from all areas, and it takes it’s own path. I really wish I knew where that path was going though and what I wanted to achieve. And I write that laughing at myself because there are things I know I want to achieve. I just want to be stubborn and do it my own way.
I do have to do all the things the hard way, I guess.
I want to sink more into what permission is. What it means. For me.
It’s that funny quote that just popped into my head of “I keep waiting for the adultier adult to show up.” Not sure who said it. But I did look this one up and it seemed appropriate.
“I always wondered why somebody didn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.” – Lily Tomlin
I’m the freaking somebody.
What do I want to do? I’m going to go write in my Booked and Balanced journal and figure that out FOR TODAY and then… whoosh. Move on.
So many fantastic things happening right now. And I want to take time to celebrate them. But they pop up, I smile, and then I start worrying about something else. It’s the negativity bias I was reading about in my Thinking book. How do I erase that out of my personality?
I want to go put some of them into it’s own post and not sully this train wreck with it.
