This was a weird day. Still trying to frame it up in my mind as there were so many things happening in it.
It took awhile to schedule but we finally got it on the books. Katie asked me to do the evite. I did a single poster board. JJ did the catering but also did the decorations because she just does that stuff. I would never think of buying fake flowers to put around things, or stuff to go under plates. I mean, I would think of it but then I wouldn’t do it.
Anyway.
First off, we got beautiful photos. In three years, I can look back on these photos and smile and think of the beautiful and peaceful day we spent out on the water. Given that we are three weeks past it, I’m looking at them again and still feeling a little weird about it but I guess we shall see.
This is absolutely my favorite picture of G and I lately though.
I’m not sure I want to watch the video – but I just watched it twice as I put everything together and felt a little sad. Maybe I will feel differently in a few months.
But I have the video of the day so I can go back and revisit. And not just little clips. I set up my 2nd camera on a tripod and filmed the whole thing. It was literally like 3 minutes but still.
The beginning was lovely. We got there almost two hours before the scheduled time to set up. Katie was a little nervous getting everything together but it really looked lovely.
The weather was absolutely beautiful and I’m happy with my choice of dress as it went well with theirs.
Everyone got there exactly at 2pm or a bit earlier. It was nice to see some of John’s closest friends. We didn’t invite much of the extended family other than Wendy and Brad and their kids because it was their boat but it was a good amount of people.
I had made G bring his computer and work on his college apps a bit. He didn’t do a lot because everyone was chatting and then he was helping us during setup. But he got a bit done.
It’s always lovely seeing my cousins!
We did get right out of the dock at 2:03. Which was perfect. Everyone was early or on-time because the evite said 2pm after all!
It did not, however, say an end time.
My bad.
Except when we talked about the time, we had talked about the fact that if it was at sunset then G couldn’t come because he had practice. And JJ was very insistent that everyone wanted to get on with their day and it should be early. Katie compromised at 2pm and my Mom had repeated so many times in the past month that it would just be an hour and a half.
So we got started.
I love this picture of JJ and Gregg.
I’m not sure why his hat says DINK though. He’s definitely not a double income, no kids and I have no idea what another acronym could be! And I’m too lazy to look it up right now.
The Captain got out of the harbor quickly, they were the end dock so it took less than 10 minutes, I would say.
We were chatting with people, and admiring the view. I was sticking to the back and staying outside because I get seasick and G was quickly not feeling well.
He always did “fine” on the boat when he was young but I forgot the last time he went to Seabase he got really ill. He’s getting worse in his “old” age.
So I was sticking with him and chatting with a few of the others.
But 2:20 rolls around, and then 2:30. JJ was saying ‘When are we doing this’? A few of the other guests were being polite but sort of nodding their heads.
G at that point was NOT feeling good.
So, me being me, and after my Mom was starting to ask out loud, I decide to go up to my sister and ask her what the plan was and when we would be doing the ashes.
She immediately had feelings about it and said she wasn’t in a rush and wanted to let everyone eat. (People had gotten food because there wasn’t really anything else to do at that point, so why not eat!)
I asked her how long it was going to be and she said, I was thinking it would be 2-6pm.
I was like… ummm, remember G has practice at 5pm? And she said she didn’t want to rush.
My face probably spoke for me but I went back to G and sort of shrugged my shoulders at my Mom.
At that point, G wanted to go to the bow of the boat because he thought he would feel better. I felt terrible abandoning him so I went with him and was trying to talk a bit but he felt awful so… that was hard. I felt very mixed here. I couldn’t really go talk/gossip with family without abandoning G, I couldn’t force the captain to change course, and there were no “boat Ubers” around.
Justin, Katie’s hubby and Danny came out to sit next to us and I made the joke of “I didn’t realize we were on a 3 hour tour” and then noticed my sister walking over to her hubby. Pretty sure she heard me. It was very angry-face Katie. She was then on a mission to try and make things better to get G dramamine or something else. She didn’t want to start the process. She didn’t want to hurry anything up because he was clearly ill. But she was trying to do something.
Her family then went up to the crows nest and she wanted “space” and “didn’t want to be rushed” and “wanted to pray”.
Robert was also feeling ill but he was just dealing with it. My Mom felt bad for him though.
It felt like everyone on the boat knew there was tension and they, of course, couldn’t say anything about it either.
JJ at that point was trying to get her sister to go talk to Brad. Granted, Brad loves the water. I have a funny memory of him taking us out on whale watching and then spending 45m going in circles creating a wake for his boys to surf on. That made me so sick that day. Anyway. I don’t think he did much because he didn’t want to make Katie mad either.
This was just giving me vivid memories of having the boat naming ceremony for the Jolly J on the day Justin’s dad died and the boat pulling away from the dock while I sat paralyzed wondering if I should ask them to leave me behind but I had invited guests and didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. And sat trapped on the boat for 2 hours knowing J was going to the hospital after finding his Dad and then dealing with all of that stuff.
Clearly I still have guilt.
So I don’t know.
At that point, I convinced G to move to the stern because it’s the most stable spot. We sat down and then Brad came over and offered up a bunch of possibilities. He brought a bucket and tried to convince him to throw up and get it over with. Jump in the water. Have a coke. There were a bunch more ideas.
But thankfully we were idling at that point and were getting to the point where Katie was ready.
It was 3:30. A whole hour and a half after.
Here is the stern of the boat where after the spreading was done, G asked for a pillow and then just curled up and slept for an hour.
Sigh.
But Katie gathered everyone. She said a nice short speech.
Honestly, all of John’s friends were so grateful and honored to be there. There was… 6 or 7 of them? And some of their partners.
She turned on the Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and that softly played in the background.
She then got out the 3 canisters of ashes, one for each of us. She said a few more words which were on the video.
I felt a little numb at that point. Everyone was on the deck above us, looking at us. The kids had the rose petals. It felt fairly performative. I was being silent, I think I said, ‘We love you’ and not much else. My smile felt super forced. I was participating but not connecting.
When I set up my tripod, I felt so bad because I moved it so G wouldn’t be in the shot but you can see the top of Griffin’s hair slightly at the bottom right of the video as he miserably sat clutching a blue bucket trying to throw up while we did this.
Then, Katie brought out the ashes of Grandpa Teddy (John’s Dad) that she still had. That felt a little nicer and lighter. Sweet Teddy. He would have appreciated being spread out with his son. No one was really watching us at that point.
At that point, I just hoped we were heading back. I had texted G’s director that he would be late. I felt so bad.
We did run into dolphins though. And that’s literally one of my favorite activities on the boat. We usually find dolphins but we this time we found a huge pack so the boat turned around 3x to go chase them. And how could I be upset?
But I still felt bad. I had G curled up still at the back. I’m watching these beautiful dolphins from the front.
After we left the dolphins, I just curled up in a nice little seat in the back, in the shade, and just took some deep breathes. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. And besides chatting lightly with Bonnie & Alan, and Robert and my Mom, I really didn’t get to talk to anyone else at all. I would have loved to talk to J.L and RJ, and Doug and his son but I didn’t at all.
So it was a weird day. I still feel the tension in my body when I think about it. There is a lot of layers.
Yet another perfect example of sorrow and happiness intertwining in my day. And I just tried to accept it.
And I did find a little grace.
What helped was that once we hit the harbor, G magically woke up, he felt great, and when I would get frustrated at him when he would be so easy-going in other parts of life, it really worked out for me here. He just shrugged off the fact that we were late, he said, “It’s okay” and it was. Even if we didn’t get to practice until 6:15. It started at 5. Sigh.
But it’s still hard to remember and feel the frustration and performative actions of the day. And know that we still have the larger memorial coming up in two weeks that I will be singing (!!) at and doing a speech. I’m actually not worried about the speech as much as the singing. But if I don’t sing, my Mom will have to sing with Katie and I’m gonna take that one for the team.
I need to practice.
But what a day. I hope I can come back and remember this in a year and have it feel lighter.
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