Choice

I love those little moments where the universe aligns and a sense of peace washes over me. I have to think, “Why was I so emotional yesterday?” or “Why did I want to die on that hill?”

How can I have that sense of peace all the time?

I think some of it comes down to checking my hormones. Which is SO sad when you think about it but makes so much sense. I did have my hormones checked in early June and they were normal but it was my FSH which is follicle-stimulating hormone and not my estrogen and progesterone. I wish I would have asked more questions from my Gyno but it continues to teach me that I need/want a specialist to know the exact levels in my body, not generalizations.

Because while “I’m fine”, I’m clearly having swings that are signs of peri-menopause and it would be really nice to easily slide into that next phase of my life, rather than throw myself off a cliff to crash and burn.

Two very different landings!

Either way, the pattern of my thoughts and feelings in the 6 days before my period verses what happens the day my period comes feels like night and day AFTER the fact.

I guess that doesn’t really change during normal times but for whatever reason the last few years have felt more urgent.

Anyway, last night I went on a long walk. Sometimes we will all go out and walk two streets after dinner but yesterday I was alone and ended up doing 6 streets which equals out 2 miles which makes me happy.

I was trying to decide what to listen to when I texted a friend instead. I hadn’t chatted with her in a week or two and wanted to send her some love. We had a funny exchange that made me laugh.

As I was walking, I really felt the need to call another bestie. I know her evenings are usually spent incredibly busy but I had the URGE to hear her comforting voice. Even her voice mail would do. Yet, she picked up, and was in a sad state, and this was literally the universe saying “we needed to talk.”

I’m so glad I heeded my inner voice. It was just what I needed. I was walking outside, enjoying the sky…

And I got to listen to her vent, redirect a little (even though she really doesn’t need it) and just generally be there. Just what I needed to distract myself.

And then she got to ask me why I was calling in the first place, ha.

I felt like that day I was just in this mode of reminding myself that this life I live is my choice. I am not being held hostage. I get to make these decisions. And all the decisions I am making are mine.

Yes, some of the decisions I am making are making me wildly sad, or unhappy, or frustrated… or even content and happy. But I get to continually choose.

I get to choose my peace.

I get to choose my path.

I am the mother-fucking author of my story.

It’s okay to be sad or frustrated but all of that is helped by me moving forward.

Of course this popped up which I made a screenshot of

“Everything you want is on the other side of the tasks you’re avoiding.”

Yes, thank you silly social media.

I had a work meeting a few days ago that I just felt so terrible about after. It was nothing I didn’t know. My boss had been talking to me about it but I was sitting with him and the president and I did not agree with some of the paths we would be taking. I had to gently bring up some scenarios that I had concerns with and they were just waved aside and said, “We are 80% of the way there, you can figure out the rest but this is what I want.”

I felt powerless, frustrated, and not sure of where I was going next. But I had the choice to write up my thoughts, get behind these new goals, and start writing out MY plan of how I wanted things to be. Because no one was going to do it for me. I still felt irritated the next day (which of course was dropping Sam off at college) but by the time 36 hours had rolled around, I was coming around to the idea.

Time helps.

Perspective helps.

I have so much agency and staying here (or wherever) is my decision.

So that was nice.

I had AI write me some prompts for when I get stuck. I wrote a few of them down.

Then, I made a few more decisions in other areas of my life. Of course, some of those decisions are SO SMALL. But impactful. And they make me feel better.

Which is a great goal.

I already have a word written down for my “Word of the Year” for next year but I’m going to add CHOICE to the list.

I feel like I’ve already lost the love of “CULTIVATE” as my word of the year and I think I need to go back to choosing three to concentrate on for next year.

Also, I have four more months to go..

Which seems CRAZY fast but that’s how the year goes.