I know why I felt outraged the last time. The last time was hard because.. and I quote, “HOW. EMOTIONAL. that was for me to have to smile at my daughter while I don’t know what my husband is doing since he was out for five minutes.”
Man, that sentence doesn’t even really make sense. But the fact that I wanted to be there for Sam and had to split my attention between both of them made me.. panicked? Which made me angry? I still can recall that sick feeling in my stomach of having to smile at Sam while holding J up.
The first time it happened, I think we were all drunk and others had other things in their systems… but him passing out sitting on a barstool in the middle of a crowded Mexican restaurant in Newport Beach was not fun. But I remember Mike being there and helping me, so it wasn’t as… emotionally charged? Maybe not emotionally charged but that *I* was not in charge. I didn’t have to make all the decisions, I wasn’t alone.
Technically, fainting is not a huge deal. You generally know why it’s happening. You come to a few minutes later. I have personally fainted at least… well at least 2 times. I’m pretty sure it’s been more but I only remember the two most embarrassing times. (Peeing my pants while getting blood taken, ha.. and fainting in the hallway of my kids school – THANKFULLY they were outside playing as it was after the main pickup time.) I’m pretty sure I’ve fainted a few more times. Now I have to think about that and remember…
Anyway, when in a medical situation, I feel like I’m more outraged or scared about how I’m somehow in charge? I do not want to be in charge of someone who needs medical attention. I may have watched Grey’s Anatomy for 15 years but I do not want be pretend to be a doctor.
That said, I knew he was getting blood. I asked twice if he wanted help, he said no. I said, okay, if you do, you can ask. And then he did ask. So the next morning, we go. He’s doing his usual situation that he does for these things. He is feeling very relaxed.
We check-in, go straight in, and I announce very casually that he has anxiety and it would be great if she can make it quick. I like to be very black and white about it so it’s not a big thing. I know it’s not his favorite thing for me to do but I feel like the nurse appreciates it. She doesn’t talk much but she gets going.
The process is super quick, he’s not happy, but I’m distracting him and getting him to talk to me about his shelter dogs and right after she takes the needle out – of the SIX vials she gets – and then he’s gone.
I am, I shall say, a total pro at this. I’m just holding his head up. He was already leaning back in the chair but I had the gal push him back farther for me. She informed me that in the future, he can lay down next time.
Awesome. Great reminder.
She was so unbothered. I was asking her if they had any juice, or anything cold. I’m still holding his head and calling out his name, and his eyelids were flickering.
And I swear, it reminded me of John in his last day. I hate thinking that way but it popped up. The way he was trying to open his eyes and connect with us but he just wasn’t all there.
Yeah.
Clearly that’s a fun trauma jumping out at me. He fainted but did he really? (Yes, he just fainted. But still.)
She came back and said no juice. Another woman came in and asked if I wanted an ice pack, which I said yes. She brought one to me.
Is it just that fainting is no big deal or that I was being so calm that they just left me alone?
I feel like they saw me as competent, capable, and in control of the situation. Did I feel those things? No. I was pretty much pretending. But yay, I was seen as my favorite things! I am awesome!
Ha…
The first gal did come back with an opened alcohol wipe, basically smelling salts. He came to a few minutes later. Maybe 4 or 5 minutes? Enough time for all these gals to come hang by the doorway and offer me that stuff while I was holding his head and rubbing his shoulders. She said we were fine to use the room for as long as we needed. I was somewhat amused.
I wasn’t really amused.
But seriously, I’m seeing him in this vulnerable state. I’m anxious. My body is trying to process all of these feelings.
We probably stayed there 5 or 10 more minutes. He had enough stuff in his system that he was slow and he just had all that adrenaline flair up and crash.
Again, I’ve fainted a few times. It’s not that big of a deal. But I still feel stress with it. It was rough. And of course I’m going to play it off, telling him it’s no big deal. It really is not. And I don’t want him to feel guilty that I’m upset… and then on the flip side, it would be nice to have a safe space to talk all this through… but in his current state, there is no way.
I’m such a talker, I was so torn between wanting to go cry to someone but wanting to preserve his privacy too. I didn’t want to tell my Mom, she would immediately blurt out something when we saw her on Father’s Day. I couldn’t tell Sam, she would text him immediately. I mentioned to two friends and I think they thought I meant he was just sleeping.
And really, was it that awful and horrible?
I mean, yes, I’m still stressed about it. Or is stressed the right word? His mother came over because he was supposed to go out with her and at least I was able to tell her. And then I complained to N about it on video chat but she probably won’t listen for a day or two. I had some immediate safe spaces.
I’m affected by it and it’s hard to process. I was immediately pushed into a role that I wasn’t prepared for. I should have actually been prepared for it. I knew it was a possibility. It’s just a hard overwhelming feeing.
And then I take that feeling and immediately apply it to so many other things in my life. Which is probably not the best thing to do but there you go. I do it anyway. It’s the family member who is ready for therapy. It’s the best friend whose feeling overwhelmed and upset on their birthday. It’s the other best friend whose having family problems. Actually three best friends are having family problems. It’s having my president tell me I missed something and having to apologize and feel crappy about missing it.
It’s hearing all the emotion in their voices and feeling my emotion and feeling sad. It’s not being able to concentrate at work.
It’s taking all of that, going to work out my anxiety on the elliptical, or set a timer to get a little work done. Or just ignoring work and deciding to read a book and ignore all the rest of it. Yes, I am coping and avoiding. But here.. now.. I am trying to process. Healthier choice? Maybe. The ice cream tonight was also a good choice. As was my comfort dinner.
It’s knowing that I’ve spent years believing that J has had something wrong with him – and him refusing to go get checked out for years and finally being at the point where I can know if there is anything wrong. Beyond the obvious things that are wrong (that might not be life threatening) but just need some attention. It’s thinking that I’ve had such resentment for years and righteous… indignation (okay I had to look that one up to remind me of the definition) but YES! RIGHTEOUS anger that he just wouldn’t go get checked out for all these years!
And either everything is just going to be fine. Which now I have to go get rid of that feeling, process it, or something… or he does have cancer or something equally as bad. Which in these days, may be fine with amazing treatments, but that would be a lot to go through while we are going through Sam’s surgery.
So it really doesn’t make me happy. And it makes me overthink. And it makes me mad.
And I know I need to have a hard conversation about some of this after it’s over. About my experience. About his actions and how they affect me.
And then he has thanked me no less than five times for taking him to the doctor today and taking care of him.
Which.. is nice. And okay. And I said your welcome.
And also, I just have a lot of feelings.
I’m going to go continue to get my comfort in and give myself some nice calming rest time. And find some joy tomorrow.
