Death is interesting.
It’s sad. It’s powerful. It’s tender. It’s uncomfortable.
There is connection there. Somewhere.
The few times I’ve been confronted with death, I’ve tried to stay away. Or at least at arms length.
Danny. My Grammy. Juanita. Teddy. Grandpa Gene.
The classmate from 8th grade on our Washington DC trip. Man, that was unsettling.
Out of those, I think Grammy was the one who I saw most in her decline. But she was 1,000 miles away and I only saw her maybe twice during that period. I was 32. Danny and Juanita went quickly. Teddy was 90… 98? 92? Grandpa Gene had cancer but he died of a heart attack first. Both of them were declining but not like John.
Everything surrounding death is hard: its impact on family, its raw emotions, and the tears that come with it. I completely avoided it with Danny. And paid for it later. But I sort of floated through it with the others.
Watching John decline was interesting. Interesting is such a silly word. I probably mean hard, unsettling, sad, profound… those are more impactful words.
My Mom said something about how she had been taking him for granted and once she realized he was terminal, she appreciated him more and tried to lean in.
I feel like it was such a complicated relationship for me. Looking back at it, I see the gratitude, love, and appreciation. I also see the distance, arms length, hurt, disappointment, and confusion.
The whole week was a learning experience though.
May 12 – His birthday. We drove down (and Sam drove up!) to celebrate him. He was sitting here for – at most – 20 minutes. He was smiling and nodding. I’m not sure of the comprehension but he was saying a few things and slightly understanding the topics we were bringing up.
It almost felt like we were talking, and he was listening while underwater in a time lapse.
I took this photo and (when I read this 10 years later) Zac is next to me, Ken, Dave, Jerra, John, and then Katie, Brad, Justin, Justin, and Sammie.
We didn’t stay longer than an hour. He had gone back to bed and we said goodbye and Sam went down to SD and J and I went home.
Katie called the next day and I was in a Kaizen and her urgency was clear, she thought he was dying today or soon, and wanted me to know. I struggled with it. I just saw him up, he was semi-talking, I didn’t feel like he was dying today.
But on the other hand I knew my Mom was there. I knew Katie was going through hard feelings, and I wanted to go support them.
Mind you, I had to think through this for about an hour before I decided to go down. I had finished my work around 10, and worked out until 11:30 and finally decided I would take a shower and jump in the car and go.
I walked in and before I could even put my things down, I heard them saying “Kristi’s here!” and I saw John getting up.
SO strange. They said he was out of it, mumbling things, and disoriented yet when I walked in, he was jumping out of bed, smiling his smile, and happy to see me. This was at 2:30.
He was always really happy to see me.
Yet after visiting for a few minutes, he laid back down.
I talked with some people outside on the balcony and by 4pm, he was shaking, restless, zoned out, and in pain. Although, he was having pain meds. The hospice nurse would come later that evening to push more meds.
Sam arrived, there was major traffic going home and it was her last day of school. So she came to hang out for a few hours with us.
This was a really awkward and hard moment for me. These were my people but sitting over him and watching him be restless and shake was hard. It felt too vulnerable. It felt hard. It was uncomfortable.
I asked Sam later how she felt and she sort of shrugged and said she was just hanging out and it was “cool”. Okay, maybe she didn’t say exactly that but the thought is similar. She was just observing and wasn’t too affected by it.
I just felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Seeing him like this was… sad. It was hard. This was not him and I know he would not like people seeing him like this.
Yet, in these final moments would he prefer to be alone? I don’t think he would. I think he was grateful for the company and it’s hard to look back on this day and know how uncomfortable I felt but know that it was the right thing to do, and an honor to be there.
I remember sitting here just wondering what we were supposed to be doing. We were silent. Were we supposed to be praying? My sister took these pictures as she was sitting on the bed.
I did get some alone time with him to say goodbye. This was awkward too. But I said words out loud. I have no idea what they were, thinking back now. But it was mainly that I loved him.
Spending a few hours there, I was slowly getting more comfortable with what was going on. I was seeing the cadence of pain meds, of how Katie would help arrange things, how Zac would run in to smooth other things over. I wasn’t on the belief system that he had hours before he would pass. He was too awake. But it was sobering and heavy.
And his “awakeness” was evidenced by us going into his room to say goodbye around 6:30 and him POPPING out of bed to say ‘Kristibug!’ and give me a big hug.
What a freaking mind-trip. I mean, nevermind the fact that he didn’t seem to realize I had been here the whole day. But again, he was thrilled to see me. There were 5 or 6 people in the room and someone said, take a photo! So we sat and took a photo. My sister was so excited and immediately leaned in for kisses and her own photos.
I heard later he watched a movie and visited with some friends after we left.
I could only laugh. I knew he was going downhill but that man has a will of steel.
Wednesday some of his “manly friends” came over – and I say that in quotes because some of those guys are just… ridiculous. And John has to show off for them. Katie sent photos where he jumped up and went onto the sun deck to hang out with them. Except the whole evening he paid for it, was in pain, restless, and saying weird things. I didn’t go down there. I needed a break and we had G’s theater banquet in the evening that I was prioritizing.
Thursday was worse, his blood pressure was down, everything was down. Katie called again.
I was planning on going all of Friday. Thursday I had a mammogram. I had dinner with Ang that I needed to be at for my mental health. I really wanted to do those things. But I also felt the need to go down there. It was hard.
I decided to quickly drive down and spend an hour and a half and use the excuse of my appointment to leave.
He was not present as much that entire day. Katie had the chaplain come and she did a beautiful service. I actually almost didn’t stay for it but I was glad I did.
When I had first walked in, Tina was in bed with him and Robert was standing over him. Given as I didn’t really recognize them at first when I walked in, I walked straight out and hung out on the patio for 15 minutes. But then I walked back in and kicked Tina out and sat with him for longer.
Seeing all these people flock to his side was beautiful and heavy.
Sitting next to him while he was hovering in out and out unconsciousness was surreal.
At some points he would open his eyes and close them. And if we would talk to him loudly or he would hear our voices, he might nod his head or mutter something.
We had the women’s pickle-ball channel on so whenever we would talk about them, he would “speak up”. ha
I was hunting around for quotes that I liked. I was going to post this but I saved it for myself instead.
I liked this one.
Katie had found Susan from Hoag and really liked her website and instagram. She was waffling about having her come out – and I didn’t think John needed/cared about it – but Katie wanted it so both Jerra and I said of course she should come out.
It was really beautiful. It was not religious and she said some nice things. She encouraged people to think about John’s best qualities and to take them forward with us in life.
Katie had been going back and forth and didn’t want anyone to speak – when we were talking to Susan about what she wanted – but then when it was over she DID, and wanted everyone to say what quality they were thinking of.
Katie said strength. She was trying to be wise to support him on his journey and she wanted to embody that quality going forward. JJ said generosity. I said resilience. I heard relentless, compassion, energetic, he hated to loose (we changed that to winning spirit for Robert). Katie shared after that a talk she had with John once after Danny died. What he really hoped people would say, is that how he was kind. He wanted to be kind and be a nice guy.
Susan also played this BEAUTIFUL rendition of Imagine by John Lenon. Someone else was singing it and it was so beautiful.
Susan talked for less than 10 minutes but it stuck with me.
After that, I ended up leaving to my mammogram. I was feeling heavy. It was a lot but I also felt at peace. I really wanted to sit with Ang for three hours and talk about all the things. After my appt but while I was waiting for Ang, I talked with Nicole, with Suken, I had called J to give him an update, and then I just walked around the Block of Orange (shopping) for 45 minutes to get some energy out. I was half-heartedly looking for a white shirt for an upcoming work conference but was not feeling trying anything on.
My dinner with Ang was lovely. It was Sam’s first night working at BJs so that was so fun to see her starting a job and learning all the things.
I did end up driving down on Friday. I brought my laptop. I was prepared. John had been doing so terribly on Thursday and I was now in it. I had comfy cargo pants on and I put my Taylor Swift eras tour tshirt on. (Stating the obvious: I got absolutely no work done.)
I sat on the bed with Katie and Jerra for an hour. We were just chatting and talking to John. He was really hearing our voice when his pain meds would wear off. One hilarious time was when I raised my voice and said “Hey Johnny!” and he fluttered his eyes and we started talking to him. And Katie leaned in and at that moment he saw Katie in front of his face and he outright laughed.
It was so funny. Katie laughed too and you could just see John’s exasperation of the situation being surrounded by everyone. He probably wanted to say, get out of here (in a nice way). But it was funny.
Here, JJ was sitting with John and Dave was playing an amazing voice mail from one of John’s friends. Dave had started calling the club members and they were all leaving voice mails.
It was nice to hear the words of love and how John had inspired them, and how they were so impacted by him.
Dave and Zac came in. Ken was around. There were other people in and out.
It was time to move him to the hospital bed that had been delivered the day before. He needed to be sitting up to be able to swallow the medication that was dropped in his mouth and he was definitely starting to wheeze.
He was still aware. He was still hearing us.
Wendy had driven up to Palm Springs to bring Evie down for Ava’s baby shower the next day. They came over. Watching Dana see John and have the same/similar feelings that I had when seeing him was so sad. I feel like I just kept empathy crying watching people be so sad.
But at other points, I was just able to feel compassion for them.
Evie was also impacted but that woman has been through a lot and she was strong.
The next day the Williams family drove out to Simi Valley to go to Ava’s baby shower. Katie was calling us telling us how John was sitting up, and how he was speaking a bit, and how he wanted to get out of bed.
We could tell that she probably wanted us there but she was also being strong.
This picture is on Saturday morning where Katie, Zac, and Dave were with him. And had all been with him for the last three weeks.
He passed at 11:30 pm that evening.
After his burst of energy in the morning, he just dropped off.
Katie had called. JJ went over that afternoon to be a buffer and be there. I was taking G to prom and Sam and I were together at the Spectrum. We talked about it but I decided not to go down with her. I was planning on going the next morning (Sunday).
It was the right decision for me. Katie called/texted at 11:45 that evening and I woke up at 1:45am and called her.
I’m glad he’s out of pain. It’s sad. It’s hard.
I put together some video clips that I have unlisted on my YouTube. I don’t want everyone watching these but I want it here in this journal so I can go back and watch.
I wrote up an email to send to the Williams family. I sent it at 3am. Ha
I wrote up some social media posts for Katie and John’s main account.
I’ve been enjoying seeing everyone’s posts on social.
Some of my favorites…
Larry’s, our oldest and best salesman (after John) from JWI and Advanced Access. So sweet.
“I was heartbroken to hear about John’s passing. I had the honor of working alongside him for many years, and in that time, he became so much more than a boss or business partner—he became a true friend.
He was a generous and thoughtful leader who genuinely cared about the people around him. He always made sure his employees were taken care of, not just with fair pay, but with things that made us feel like part of a family—like the company picnics, the Christmas parties, and the way he always made time to listen.
I learned so much from him. His kindness, his integrity, and his keen sense of how to read people will stay with me always. He looked for the best in others. I will truly miss him.
Please know that we are keeping the family in our prayers during this difficult time. He made a difference in so many lives, and he will not be forgotten.” – Larry L.
Phil was one of our first customers at Advanced Access. Maybe he was a customer before but he was so proud of his website. Man, we had to have ocean wave background and all the things for him. It made me laugh.
Sad News and love your writing above. I had the privilege of meeting you, John and family in the mid-90’s as your company created my first real estate website. And boy did it work. My first hit was a nuclear scientist PHd from Livermore labs. I knew and I understood technology at a concept level. The vision John and your team had was way ahead of time. My first client hit resulted in 24 sales to them of properties all over Laguna Beach and Dana Point. It jumpstarted my career after the corporate days like I couldn’t believe. So many fine memories to state here but John was an amazing entrepreneur and visionary. I’m sure he’s hanging out with Steve Jobs in heaven and watching over all of us. God bless all of you.” – Phil I.
This made me laugh because this was so John. He was also dragging people off on a helicopter ride, a racecar ride, asking people to play racketball.
I am so sad to hear this. I loved everything you wrote, it is so true! I have great memories at Advanced Access with you and John. I remember the electricity shut off at work and we didn’t know how long it was going to be off. So he asked if I and a couple co-workers wanted to leave work and go on a helicopter ride over Orange County and the coast. Of course we all said yes! It was so much fun. Anthony and I also had the opportunity to visit the race track in Pahrump and ride in one of the Radical race cars with John. That was a blast. So many other fun memories! I love reading everyone’s stories about John. He will definitely be missed.” Tamara S.
Love these stories:
“John was one of a kind. I met him at a real estate convention. He later came to my house in mission beach and sold me a computer program that plotted houses on a map he was ahead of the game as always. Years later I heard of a race track near vegas Katie had told a friend of mine and when I arrived there he was John Morris with a big smile on his face as always I wrote him a check and joined his club. He never stopped making the club better and he told me he just wanted to have a club and race with his friends. John made so may friends and springmountain was the family. John made my life better he made everyone’s life better he was a great loving man and we will all miss him but the legend will live on in our hearts and minds. We all loved him!” Ron F.
