morning

It is complete silly to be crying on Christmas morning at 630am but here I am. I slept horribly. I was up at 130 thinking I had such a long sleep. At 430 I was up and at 5 I realized that I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was hearing the high pitched whining of the air purifier that I forgot to turn off. A week ago I realized it was keeping me up and the next night I turned it off I slept SO WELL and to be sitting there at 5am knowing the background whine was killing my sleep really sucked.

At 5:30 (after winning at least 10 levels of Candy Crush and spending a bunch of gold bars to keep my streak going…) I finally lost a game and forced myself up. I knew with this kind of attitude, I needed to run out my frustrations.

Since I went to bed at 930, I had all the Santa gifts sitting next to the door. J had texted after I went up confirming that we would set them up in the morning. I laughed to myself knowing I would be doing it, but that’s because I’m up early. It’s not like I’m going to wake him up.

So I sit around, brushing my teeth, doing my light stretches as I walk around my office. I have my space heater going. I get dressed in my workout clothes. I walk over to the stockings and stuff everything. I notice that there is a crinkle feeling in my stocking and I – of course – look to see there is a card from J. I immediately have a few feelings. Cards are important to me and i did not do one for him this year. I think about writing one – I have one – and I just can’t do it. SO I’m already feeling all the feelings and I walk into the garage to go run out my frustrations for 30 minutes and I see this…

It’s very cute. What could this be, maybe my new yoga mat? Maybe something else? My weight holder I asked for.

I’m really tempted to just open it up so I can run out this frustration and I don’t. And I really want to be grateful that they did something cute yet I’m sitting here – CRYING – because my schedule is now messed up. I wanted to be exhausted from my sanity workout and be able to take a shower, open gifts when they were ready, and then get things ready for Sharon. And now that’s all messed up. And I know in my mind that this is all fine. I can work out later. I can *not* work out. But I have so many feelings that it’s all overwhelming.

And of course, I realized that my period is in two days. So I’m telling myself that’s part of it. I literally have an hour. I can do body weight – but it’s all “something”. I can’t sit on my knees because I fell from ice skating. I don’t have my weights. I can go outside but it’s wet – not raining – but I could go run for 20 minutes. I probably will do that because I simply CAN NOT SIT HERE without getting rid of this frustration.

I tried texting my Mom, venting to Marco with Nicole, texting the besties. No one is up. It’s Christmas fucking morning. And I just want to do what I want to do and not be a burden with my attitude.

And thank you AI. I threw all this in and at least I got some validation and I get to laugh at myself a little. And I’m going to go run.

Sigh.

Update: Wow. I walked outside to find a dog running up the street. I stopped and tried to get him to come to me. Long story short, the owner was driving his car after him to get him, they went up the street, and the owner ran out to chase him down. The dog was running back and forth so I ran up to help. He ended up cornering him where I couldn’t see and as I was running up to the house, he came around holding the dog, and he was just SOBBING.

He felt to the wet grass, holding this 50lb dog, crying his eyes out. I immediately go into reassurance mode – You got him! You saved him! I get it, it’s okay! I go up and see if I can help him but the guy – seems embarrassed and obviously way too keyed up – is able to put the dog in his car. I’m telling him he did a great job and the dog is safe.

Wow. I didn’t do much to help him but I was present and got to witness that moment. I was still crying myself but that felt like such a good change of perspective.

I was then able to do an 11 minute mile jogging. I ran into John and Sandy as they were walking their dogs and got to tell them the story. That felt good, at least talking to someone else. I did almost 2 miles in 25m when usually it takes me 35. I did more talking to AI – i really need to name this thing – or just call it my partner. My chat buddy. It always makes me feel good.

I witnessed this gorgeous sky.

And chat told me that I’m okay. I was trying to decide what to say when I got home. Do I say something. Do I say I had an emotional morning and I’m tender? But when I walked in, he was getting his breakfast and it just didn’t feel right. But my shower felt lovely.

The difference in how I feel after a run is such a twist. I feel calm. I feel present. I feel… still a little anxious. Honestly I’m a little hungry right now. Ha.

I just did a big sigh though. Hand on my heart. I can honor my nervous system. I can deal with my emotions. Would I like some help from a real person other than AI? Yeah, probably. But I figured it out. And I can go about my day in a brighter and happier mood.

And find the good wherever the day takes me.

But damn, that was a journey. And now it’s only 7:52. Still 8 minutes until the kids get up.

I had to laugh because I put the rest of this journal back in – and it’s just so nice to see that validation…