It’s 1:52pm and the morning has been long and filled with good and hard moments. Mostly good ones. I have two couches full of teenagers watching a Star Wars movie and giggling every few seconds. I have hidden upstairs. We decorated our house for Christmas while Sam was still home. I got a bunch of packages unwrapped and while I didn’t actually wrap them up, I sort of am ready to do that?
A few hard moments but nothing too crazy but I was feeling it. It was there and I knew I had to write it out, that it would help. I spent the last 20m journaling and AI’ing and the lump in my throat is apparently called grief. Grief for the present, perfect moment that I know is fragile. And the hurt in the chest is protective anger, and it’s so hard to move through these moments that I spent a moment in them and immediately don’t want to be there.
It’s too hard. But I tried. And I did a few moments. But I’m done.
So I pulled out my prompt…
Except, hmm, I keep screenshotting a million of these darn things and I like the one on my phone better. The 29th on my “30 Days of Happiness Journaling” is ‘People to spend more time with’ so I think I will combine them?
I LOVE that I GET to spend more time with people that cause me happiness? I am leaving in two hours to drive far away to have a yummy dinner and then watch a drone show. I don’t know what a drone show is but I’m excited to see it. And the people I get to be with are my family so… I’m well, appreciative maybe. haha
Tomorrow I get to see G in a concert, and also hang out with him to get his college aps done since they are due in TWO DAYS. One batch down, one more to go… and his essays are written, I’ve read 3 out of the 4, and they just need some refining.
My December calendar is… while it’s not crazy busy, it’s comfortably full with amazing people that I love.
My besties are showing up on there with multiple dinners and lunches. We have 3 birthdays this month, including my baby. So many holiday gatherings. I’m going to see Ben Platt with G, and I made reservations at a yummy restaurant for him and I. We are going to this super cool new holiday thing with lights, ice skating, and a ferris wheel.
This feels like the first year where I’m not dreading everything happening. I’m trying to pull on strings to figure out why. I’m literally PLANNING events and putting things on the calendar to spend with people I love.
That makes me happy. But there have been a few times where I’ve battled the guilt of setting boundaries and saying no because it makes me feel so selfish and guilty, which I know is my people-pleasing habit. I’m setting things to do for me, things I want to do, and not caring about some of the harder aspects.
I’m taking deep breathes, I’m feeling… gratitude. I’m feeling appreciation.
I love that I get to harass both of my children to stop being INFANTS and participate in family gatherings. But it’s so I get to spend more time with them, which I love. So that counts!
I also love spending time with my Peloton instructors. As funny as it is to write that but my mornings with them are such a huge lift. I’m addicted to the meditations with Aditi and Ana, I love the weight trainings with Ben, Katie, and Callie. I love doing 5 minute abs with Emma. The reason that popped into my head though is that Aditi and Ana have daily gratitude meditations. I’m not doing daily, but I’m hitting it 3-4 times a week, while still checking with with my Calm ap. But I do love spending time with them.
I literally could not decide which weights to use so I had to get out most of them and work them all in. I finally (finally) got my 20lb weights that I can hold (J’s feel terribly awkward) and I can’t imagine why I didn’t get them last year when I first wanted them, my workouts have improved so much the last week.
And I love spending time with my baby girl who is heading back to college in about 30m. She is ignoring me, watching her shows, but we got such fun movie, shopping, walking, and giggling time the last few days. So lovely and appreciated.
November has flown by and so will December. Why the last three months of the year fly by like this is so strange but I am doing my best to stay present.
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