Forcing myself to sit down and write for 20 minutes.
I could write today’s prompt… or I could write TOMORROW’S prompt and schedule it for tomorrow because I’m silly like that. Or just write it and post it and not schedule it on the exact day it needs to be….
Self care was alllll day today and I don’t even feel like writing about it.
But I am proud of myself for a few things.
On Tuesday, I was driving into work around 11 and venting to N on Marco and “so fucking stupid” may have come out of my mouth at LEAST 8 times. I was a little annoyed.
Not why I was proud!
But as I was driving and talking I then started thinking about the fact that I had a 1:1 with my boss in a few hours. I had been basing my justification on asking for a promotion on my engagement scores which didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted them to so I had kept putting it off. Plus a whole other shuffle that happened last month where everyone else was asking for things so it would have been a little off.
But because I was so fired up on another personal topic, I ended up using my fury to get my… confidence? My resolve? Something… to organize my thoughts on why I deserved a promotion. And I had said it on video to N, so obviously once it was said, it had to happen. I liken it to one section of my life being chaos, that I need to turn around and make another part of my life fall into place.
So first, I was proud that I wrote up (excuse me, AI helped me write up) a 1-pager yearly successes that I printed off. Yes, I SHOULD have spent more time on it but the time was then, the universe was aligned, I was ready, and you really shouldn’t can’t stop those things.
I had my one-pager, I had my first sentence prepared, and a whole LIST of things we needed to talk about. And when he said, “We have a lot of stuff to talk about today!” and I said, “Yes, but I actually wanted to talk about my growth here first…” and confidently handed him my paper – which I regretted because I would have appreciated having it in front of me – but I went through them. He skimmed it. He reacted really well, which he always does. He’s very nice. But we’ve gotten in a really solid working relationship in the last 6 months.
He also reacted very nicely when I said I wanted my M3 band last year and nothing ever happened from that but at this point, it’s time. Plus, I’m literally taking over one eCommerce company with another in the works, and there is an excuse. And having this excuse also justifies some of the other things that we will be moving forward with. Also, it is now printed. I can remind him on a monthly basis. I fully expect this to take 5 months.
So I am PROUD that I wasn’t nervous, that I took the opportunity, and moved forward with it.
I’m also proud that I convinced Grace last night to do the same thing. I’m proud that I nagged Brian three weeks ago to start his own conversation with his boss.
I don’t know if I’m proud but I feel more of a glow that I got to support A through her own lift into a people manager, even if it was extremely rough for her. She thanked me SO sincerely for supporting her through that week. She took the time to mention it and call it out. I loved being able to support her. I was actually proud of myself for shutting my mouth more and actively listening and encouraging her to think through her next steps. I did have excellent advice and devil’s advocate thoughts though.
I have another list of things I’ve been writing down that are making me “glow” and some of this is related but it’s going with my prompt here.
But in the interest of still needing to write for 12 more minutes to honor my commitment, I think my good feelings from it came in that I followed through.
I spent 9 years at WCI not asking for anything. Maybe once or twice I asked for a bonus or tried to talk to my boss. But I was so busy with raising kids and felt secure financially that I never felt justified to ask for more. Until it all crashed down. And I have more pride now maybe? Or now I do need the security of ‘more’. I do an excellent job at work. And I can have personal time AND do an amazing job. Even if I don’t hit all my KPIs, I’m still excelling at so many other areas. And if I don’t ask for it, no one is going to hand it to me.
I followed through on what I wanted. I am ambitious, I work hard, and I deserve to get more money and all the things that come with it.
I know there is a difference between being proud and satisfied. Or even validated or seen. I’m happy that my boss looked over that paper, flipped it to see if there was a back-side because as he said, “You’ve done a lot more than this!” That made me feel seen from him. It was satisfying. We talked more about it. And it feels good.
I’m trying to sync the proud feeling with gratitude and appreciation.
I’m proud and grateful, I think. It’s kind of funny, one of the meditation people I listen to often says things like, “Thank you, self, for showing up”. And it’s kinda similar.
Thank you, self… for following through on what you wanted to do. The strength (thank you 2024 word of the year), the action of it. Feeling it both in that way, aligns a little for me. But then taking that extra step out to think about all the awesome people I’ve worked with to be able to say “I did this”. I did this with them. They helped. The gratitude is maybe the allowing. The allowing of support that I’ve had, the timing, the chance of it. And I’ve helped my team grow – and hopefully get their own deserved promotions… soon.
Being grateful for the other people who have pushed me on this path over the last 6 years. So many of them.
So yes, thank you self. Thank you for using the frustration moment to fuel myself to progress. For not letting my shadow self bury it or push it to “later”. I redirected.
“Every woman has a reservoir of rage. It can either destroy her or remake her.” – Audre Lorde
I didn’t talk myself out of it. I just acted.
This is also momentum to let this grow in me and use it in other areas of my life. I can wish it was easier but I can stay in this moment and smile and appreciate it.
I can now wrap up my self-care day and move into the next week which is filled with people, connections, and some heavy work.
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